I feel like this blog is gonna jump around quite a bit, so please just bear with me.
As you know I have been just longing to have a solid love. A love that stays. Not a fairy tale love like in the movies, but just a love that stays. A love that sometimes is hard, but discussion and kisses and holding hands and each other works it out. A love that is willing to understand each other.
I haven’t said “I love you” first to anyone in a long time. Probably since high school, and does that even count? My last relationship I knew I loved her, pretty quickly actually, but I didn’t say it. I knew the second I loved her. Her face was nestled in my neck and I was holding her and she was upset and telling me why. And in that moment I wanted to say “I love you and everything is going to be okay,” but I didn’t. I was afraid once I said it things would get messy. After she said “I love you” to me I was ecstatic. She understood my crazy, or seemed to anyway. And when I said “I love you back” it was everything. My whole world stopped. My heart was jumping out of my chest with so much joy and I felt whole. I found someone who got me. Someone who I knew I could learn every single thing about, the darkest of her shadows and still just keep her. She was someone I knew was going to stay. Then it got messy. And I still don’t know the extent of her thoughts on it because they’re none of my business and she doesn’t feel the need to share them even though I wish she would.
I keep posting dramatic memes on Facebook saying things like, “One day you’ll realize I was worth it,” or “All you had to do was stay,” and my personal favorite, “I didn’t need you to fix me, I just needed you to stay while I fixed me.”
But, ya know what? If someone isn’t reciprocating those feelings, if the woman I want to be with doesn’t want me, for whatever reason (that is none of my business,) then, it is none of her business what I’m thinking. In other words, STOP TEXTING THE WOMAN. She doesn’t want you.
Last night I had all of these feelings and thoughts bouncing like a ping pong tournament between my head and my heart. I wanted so badly to just send a text that confessed my love and sorrow. Last time I said anything I was told I was trying to “guilt trip” her. I never really understood “guilt trip.” I wasn’t trying to make her feel guilty, but if she did then that’s none of my business.
I refrained from sending the messages. I will confess however, that I did start typing out multiple messages, but I told myself it’s none of her business how you feel. Messaging her makes you look “crazy” or whatever, plus I’m certain it puts her in an awkward position to get those messages and have nothing to say. I’m certain of this now because I woke up to messages from a different ex confessing her undying love for me. Saying almost exactly the same words I typed to send to someone else.
So, now that I know how I feel about it, I feel sorry for making someone else feel that way. It’s extremely awkward and unfair. So, I discussed healthy boundaries and how I feel like it isn’t fair for her to just dump all of those feelings on me without us first discussing if its okay to discuss unrequited feelings.
I feel like I now understand both sides. I want to express myself so badly and open the flood gates and just let it all pour out. And that isn’t fair. I want my other ex to keep those flood gates closed, because it puts me in an awkward position.
The bottom line is whether someone thinks you’re and asshole, or someone thinks they love you, or anything they think about you, its none of your fucking business. Stop dumping your shit on other people and stop wondering what they think about you because the truth is, what goes on in someone else’s brain has nothing to do with you.
I know it’s easier said than done, but just try to have a little self disciple and don’t text that person that you know doesn’t want to text you back. Also, you all can just wish me luck on having more self disciple, but I’m kinda proud of myself right now.
-The guy who’s trying to get his shit together
Peace and Love
Tiny's Place 